I got into an online argument many years ago, before the Internet even, or the Internet as we know it. It was the ‘90s, the age of AOL, CompuServe and Prodigy. The dispute was over whether or not crying was a sign of strength.
For the record, if ever there was a cause to cry, it was being online at 56K. But I was a man about it, I bucked up, held back the tears, and patiently waited 30 minutes while a low-resolution image of a naked woman downloaded.
I mean a copy of the Iliad and the Odyssey in the original Homeric Greek.
That’s probably what I meant. It was a long time ago.
Anyway, my position was simple: Losing complete control of yourself and breaking down in a sobbing mess was not a sign of strength. And yet:
Yes, these are the people who represent "A New Kind of Hero.”
(We’ll get to Simone Biles in a bit.)
I’m sorry, but nobody can look at the below and believe this is the guy you want standing next to you in a crisis. Heck, I don’t want him standing next to me in line at Starbucks lest they run out of caramel syrup.
I considered this view uncontroversial.
I was wrong.
In fact, this position rather enraged people. Even back then, capital letters were used to lend credibility to arguments, and boy were there a lot of capital letters being thrown about. I don’t recall anyone actually calling me a Neanderthal, but I’m pretty sure that was their position.
The basic argument made to me then was that since crying was so frowned upon it demonstrated true strength to be willing to cry in the face of that criticism.
It wasn’t a horrible argument, but I didn’t think it was a great one either, because people, men in particular (in my experience) don’t usually choose to cry, certainly not in public. Their emotions overcome them. You try to “choke back the tears” but fail.
The argument hasn’t really changed all that much, although it seems to have taken on a self-care aspect and typically runs along the lines of this, still framed as a choice.
Crying is a sign of strength because it is a demonstration of a completely comfortable relationship with the self. Choosing to cry and feel is a choice in the interest of one’s emotional health. Choosing to cry is also choosing not to care about the opinions of others. Since crying is so stigmatized, rising above society’s thoughts is pure authenticity.
Fine. I don’t claim that crying can’t be healthy or emotionally cathartic and I’m not saying you should never cry.
I cry. I cry over really important things, like when I have to put one of my dogs down, or if I knock over a full beer. I mean one I just got out of the refrigerator, ice cold, full of so much promise, and there it is, seeping into the floorboards, you feel so helpless… hold on, I think I’m going to need a moment…
Yes, I’ve cried, but I don’t claim it’s a sign of strength or insist that you shower me with acclaim for my weepy courage.
I was just really sad is all.
Sadness is real, you’re going to be sad. But why does our culture feel compelled to herald that as something it isn’t? Why is our culture so afraid, or if I may turn the tables for a moment, so lacking in courage, to call weakness for what it is, weakness? Why must we redefine terms beyond any recognizable meaning?
Have we become so emotionally fragile and insecure, that we can’t say, yeah, I broke down crying, I lost control, I feel kind of embarrassed, but oh well?
What’s wrong with that? Isn’t that preferable to fabricating this absurd fairytale that you are a tower of strength and should be celebrated for collapsing into a pile of tears?
Which brings us to Simone Biles.
You can simultaneously wish her well, respect her past achievements, believe it was the right decision for her to drop out of the Olympics, AND believe it was something other than an act of courage and bravery.
Quitting can certainly be difficult, but doing something difficult is not the same as doing something brave. Calculus is difficult, but no one is handing out Medals of Honor on the steps of MIT.
Yes, she needed to quit, probably the right decision, but she quit because she was in that moment, weak and defeated by her own mind and her own body. AND THAT’S OKAY. That’s going to happen. Accept it.
But she can’t.
For anyone saying I quit. I didn't quit my mind & body are simply not in sync.
So you quit. You were under peforming and concerned you would injure yourself, so you quit. Just say that. You’ll be forgiven. But she won’t say it. In fact, she probably won’t be permitted to. Bad for the brand and all.
"We wholeheartedly support Simone's decision and applaud her bravery in prioritizing her well-being. Her courage shows, yet again, why she is a role model for so many."
Bravery is no longer putting others before yourself, it’s putting yourself before others. This is our new world built around the one value worshiped above all: Narcissism.
This routine abuse of terms like “courage” and “bravery” are worse than participation trophies. At least with participation trophies you have to show up. But to be called courageous all you have to do is leave.
Again, it’s not difficult to wrap your mind around the concept that we can simultaneously feel empathy for Simone Biles and the unimaginable pressures she must endure, to believe mental health is important, believe she made the right decision even, and yet recognize that she quit. She failed. She let everyone down.
It’s okay. People fail. We all fail. In fact, I maintain that if you never fail you aren’t pushing yourself enough, not exploring the edge of what you are capable of achieving.
It’s what we do after we fail that reveals our true character. Making believe we never fail is what an insecure child does, not a full-grown adult.
And donning the mantle of bravery for an act that was anything but, reveals character, too.
Now you’ll have to excuse me, I have a memorial I need to attend so that I may pay my final respects to a truly great Pale Ale. You will be missed.
Okay, I’m going to need some tissues.
Addendum 8/2/21: It appears Biles is going to return for the balance beam competition.
This is genuine courage, genuine bravery, and a testament to the competitive spirit.
However, since we all now live in opposite world, you would think she would be denounced for pushing through her difficulties and putting others before herself.
But, no, she is being celebrated for this as well.
It’s almost as if no matter what she does, she is brave and courageous.
Maybe that’s the biggest lesson of all.